Setting a boundary

What to know

1. Figure out your line. Pay attention to what makes you uncomfortable, what's important to you, what you want to keep private, and any dealbreakers. Writing it down helps. Source: love is respect
2. Know that boundaries can be emotional, physical or digital. Examples: following each other on social media but not sharing passwords; holding hands but not in public; quiet time to yourself every day. Source: love is respect
3. Write out what you'll say and rehearse it out loud, or role-play with a friend and ask for honest feedback. Source: Mayo Clinic
4. Say it with an "I" statement, simple, specific and clear: "I'd like you to knock before coming in," not "You never respect my privacy". Source: Mayo Clinic
5. Keep explanations short. No is a complete sentence, and you don't owe a reason. If an explanation fits, keep it brief. Source: Mayo Clinic
6. Back it with body language: stand or sit upright, face the person, keep regular eye contact, a neutral expression and uncrossed arms. Source: Mayo Clinic
7. If you're too upset, wait until you're calmer, if you can. Source: Mayo Clinic See Cooling down before you respond.
8. Decide your follow-through before the conversation. If it's ignored, repeat it once, calmly. If it keeps happening, act on what you decided: leave the room, end the call, stop lending money, or spend less time with that person.

With a partner

"I'm cool with texting during the day, but not multiple times an hour. I'll answer when I can."

With a roommate

"I need the room quiet after 11 on weeknights because I have early classes. Can we agree on that?"

With a friend who borrows money

"I'm not lending money anymore. It's nothing personal; it's just a rule I've set for myself."

With a parent

"I love you and I want to hear your advice. I also need to make this decision myself."

At work

"I can't take on that project right now without dropping something. Which should come first?"

Passive, aggressive or assertive?

From Mayo Clinic. Source: Mayo Clinic

If it doesn't work

• They push back, guilt you or get angry? In a healthy relationship, people respect boundaries once they've been said. Source: love is respect If you're afraid to bring one up because they might react with anger or violence, that's a warning sign of an unhealthy or abusive relationship. Source: love is respect See Green flags and red flags.
• You froze and said yes? Practice saying "No, I can't do that now" in low-stakes moments first. Source: Mayo Clinic You can go back later and say, "I said yes earlier, but I've thought about it and I can't."
• Want to talk it through? loveisrespect advocates are available by phone at 866-331-9474, by chat, or by texting LOVEIS to 22522. Source: love is respect Feeling unsafe? Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233, Source: The Hotline or 911 in an emergency.

Good to know