Cooling down before you respond

What to know

1. Notice the signs. When you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, along with adrenaline. Source: APA A pounding heart or hot face is your cue to stop.
2. Say nothing yet. In the heat of the moment it's easy to say something you'll regret. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts, and let the other person do the same. Source: Mayo Clinic Try: "I want to answer this well. Give me ten minutes."
3. Calm your body. Breathe deeply from your belly, not your chest, and slowly repeat a calm word or phrase like "take it easy." Picturing a relaxing place or doing slow stretches also helps. Source: APA If it's still building, go for a brisk walk. Source: Mayo Clinic
4. Check your words. When you're angry, thinking gets dramatic. Replace "Everything's ruined" with "This is frustrating, and it's understandable I'm upset, but it's not the end of the world". Source: APA Drop "always" and "never." They're rarely accurate, they make anger feel justified, and they push away people who might help. Source: APA
5. Turn demands into wants. "I would like" is healthier than "I demand" or "I must have." If you don't get what you want, you'll feel disappointed instead of furious. Source: APA
6. Respond once you're calm. Use an "I" statement that's respectful and specific: "I'm upset that you left without helping with the dishes," not "You never do any housework". Source: Mayo Clinic
7. Focus on the fix, not the fault. Ask what would actually solve it, and accept that some things are out of your control. Source: Mayo Clinic

If it doesn't work

• Already sent the angry text? Follow up once you're calm: "I was upset and I said that badly. Here's what I meant." Then use an "I" statement. Source: Mayo Clinic
• Same fight at the same time every day? Change the timing. If talks at night turn into arguments because you're tired, have important conversations at a different time. Source: APA
• Something sets you off every time you see it? Avoid it if you can: close the door on the messy room, or find a different route if traffic makes you furious. Source: APA
• Getting criticized? It's natural to get defensive, but don't fight back. Listen for what's underneath, like someone feeling neglected, and take your time before you answer. Source: APA
• Anger feels out of control, makes you do things you regret or hurts people around you? That's when to get help. Source: Mayo Clinic With counseling, a very angry person can move closer to a middle range in about 8 to 10 weeks. Source: APA

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